I’ve always had these recurring dreams where I felt like I was being drawn out by God. In each dream I am always in the middle of a crowd at a party or social event trying to blend in but failing every time. For some reason I’d always show up wearing the wrong clothes. If it was a themed party I’d show up wearing street clothes. If everyone else were wearing green shirts I would show up with a pink shirt. Sometimes I’d lose my shoes in the crowd and I’d spend half the time trying to get them back. Then I’d give up and try on someone else’s shoes only to find that out that they didn’t fit right. Other times I am in the middle of a crowd listening to someone speak when that person suddenly calls me up to the front.
At the end of each dream I would come to the realization that I didn’t belong in these spaces that I so desperately tried to fit into. I needed go out into the unknown(outside in the dark or the woods) to find where I belonged.
In my lucid dreaming I realized that I could try and fix this problem by having a backup plan, an illusive overnight bag. It was a bag full of extra clothes or shoes or whatever I felt I needed to not make the same mistake twice. It was a bag full of all of my hopes and dreams of fitting in.
I could never find that bag. I’d always remember where I placed it last but I could never get back to it. Then whenever I did make it back to the place I last saw the bag it’s no longer there or it had been moved or stolen, an illusion.
One of my biggest dreams was to have lots of friends. Part of this longing was because I grew up an only child. The other part was wishing I had someone to connect with. I don’t know why but I always fell short of people’s expectations. I was always misunderstood. They didn’t like the way I talked. I didn’t have an accent where they could place where I grew up. I wasn’t cool enough because I didn’t grow up in their neighborhood. I was disliked because I wouldn’t do the same things that they were doing. I wanted to be a follower but I wanted to follow the right people who had my same interests. So, if you were reckless and messy I didn’t want to follow you.
I wanted to be surrounded by cool people so I could hide the fact that at times I was hella awkward. I would overthink or say the wrong things…often. I never wanted to be a leader. I just wanted to be loved and accepted. Instead, I was always too much of this or too little of that. I’d come to the conclusion that I was doing something wrong, that there was something wrong with me. I couldn’t accomplish the one simple thing that everyone else seem to easily have, true friendships.
In all my years of dreaming (sleep or awake) I’ve come to accept that I wasn’t meant to fit in. I’ve tried many times to fit in. I’ve tried to be what people wanted me to be. I’v even tried to be someone else entirely. Whatever I clung to God would shake me loose so that I could stand on my own. HE kept drawing me out. HE kept placing me in the front when I tried to blend into the background. HE took my hand and led me into the unknown so I could see what he had already known me to be, a leader. I was never meant to be defined by other people. I don’t know why.
I no longer fight his reasoning for choosing me. I just want walk in his will, not mine, but his. Maybe one day I’ll find someone or some small circle of people who will truly love me as I am. Maybe one day I’ll see past this temporary loneliness as not a failure but a time for the molding and shaping of who I am going to be. For now, I will continue to grow in the unknown until it’s my time to finally shine.