Mountaintop

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Have you ever been comfortable being the underdog? You’ve gotten comfortable with struggle. You’ve gotten comfortable with rejection. You’ve gotten comfortable with the idea of climbing up the mountain but seemingly never reaching the mountaintop.

There’s a certain resilience to being an underdog. Nobody expects anything from you and so it leaves room for you to navigate your goals in private and eventually prove them wrong in public. You are strong because you’ve survived rejection. You have faith because you’ve seen it work in the most dire of situations. You’ve had to fight for everything so there is no room for trust. People come and go and so there is no time to get comfortable when you’re constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. So, you hold onto this fighting mentality. So much so that you don’t even realized you’ve already reached the mountaintop of your current chapter.

I am not an ordinary person. I am not abnormal but I am not ordinary. I’ve always had big dreams. My biggest dream was to be like Oprah or at least be on her level. Oprah, one of the biggest figures in the world, and I wanted to emulate her success. Big dreams do not contain ordinariness but it does take bravery and a whole lot of crazy.

However, when you’ve been fighting for a dream for so long you eventually become tired. Oftentimes, in your tiredness, you try to settle for normal. You say maybe I got it wrong and this isn’t what God planned. Maybe I am not strong enough or good enough. Sometimes it seems like you’ve made so little impact in the lives of others or even in your own that it doesn’t matter if you continue God’s mission or not. No one is benefitting from it so why bother? But then God pushes you out from your complacency because you were not meant for ordinary so you can continue to fight.

I’ve repeated this cycle for most of my life. I pursue a goal, it doesn’t work, it doesn’t feel like I made a difference, I quit and try to hide in normalcy, and then God pushes me right back out to continue on. In my struggles I often forget who I am in God. I forget what he told me I will be. Sometimes I forget that I own a business of which I am the CEO and Founder. Why? Because I am so use to being the underdog. I lose my identity during my constant fighting. I give up, I get tired, and I try to be ordinary. I go back to talking to people I know I have no business talking to. People who are no longer on my level, who drag me down with their toxicity, and put me underneath them. All because I constantly fail to see or accept who God says I am and believe instead that I am unworthy.

I was on a mountaintop in a dream. The mountaintop, which was thousands of feet in the air and covered in snow, was vast and glorious. The air was clean and the view expanded far and wide, full of possibilities. But, I couldn’t enjoy any of it because I believed that I would fall. I was worried that the Earth would shake and cause an avalanche that would bury me. For a brief moment I saw another mountain from afar that was higher and more glorious than the one I was already on. It was beautiful but yet so high up and more dangerous. I wanted to be up there but I was too scared. I couldn’t enjoy the view for long because the foundations of the mountain began to shake and falter until I awoke from the dream.

When Chadwick Boseman, a person I’ve never met, died the other day I felt immense grief and sorrow. Another hero gone away from here. But I also had this overwhelming affirmation that feelings of inadequacy were no longer going to cut it. That life was too short to not live your God given purpose. That life was too precious to waste on insignificant things and toxic people. It was time to stand and realize that I belonged on that mountaintop. I paid my dues, I fought, I’ve failed, and I have accomplished many things. It was time to see myself as God saw me; bigger than life and called into his greatness. Only then can I do my part to change the world for the better.


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