Lost In The Weeds

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Sometimes when a God-given vision takes too long to materialize we often take it to mean that either we heard God wrong, He has forgotten about us, or that he made a mistake in choosing us to do his will. Then, when those thoughts have settled within us, we often begin to wander in search of something else because surely if it was supposed happen to us it would have happened by now.

In 2016, when I was on travel for work, I was sitting in my hotel room wondering how I was going to do this new job. It was a bit overwhelming. I had so much to learn and so much to accomplish in the weeks ahead. I had already started my business a year earlier but things weren’t progressing as fast as I would have liked. So I put all my focus on this job because even though I didn’t like it very much I was still going to do my best. I always gave my best even when I knew it wasn’t what I wanted.

I was stressed. I had people who didn’t even know me, people I never did anything to, try to sabotage me. Here I was doing a mission for the greater good of this country and my co-workers, not the mission, were trying to drown me. I felt alone and lost. When my assignment ended I was sure that God had something better waiting on the horizon for me. He had given me a vision some time ago and now I could put this whole mess behind me and pursue my dream full time.

Well, that year turned into the next year and the next assignment and next set of craziness. Over and over again I got caught up in the craziness of this job. I had gotten so off track that I began to lose my self worth and identity. To add further damage to my mental health I had anxiety about getting fired all the time. If I didn’t accomplish everything, everyday, with 100% energy I felt that they were going to fire me. It sounds ridiculous but almost every Xennial, Millennial, and even Gen Z has that same energy of anxiety about our jobs along with everything else in the world that gives us anxiety. Each job assignment felt like a million miles away from my original vision and dreams that I had for my life.

While I was pacing my hotel room floor wondering how I was going to be great at this new job in 2016, God spoke to me. He told me not to get comfortable in this job. Of course I didn’t really know what that meant. It could have meant that I shouldn’t let my guard down. Knowing what I know now I definitely wouldn’t let my guard down ever again. But I think it might have meant that while I was doing this job I shouldn’t lose sight of what was important, the promise God shared with me. However, I felt that God was taking too long. I thought it may never happen so I decided to focus on the job and try to get comfortable there. I wanted stability, not a vision that wasn’t currently tangible.

So with each year and each assignment, God had to keep pulling me back to my vision because I would get so lost in the foolishness. On my days off I was too tired to even think about building my business because my anxiety kept me up at night. I had to figure out how to survive at work.

Today, after 8 years, I finally sat down and thought about what a friend once told me, “Don’t get lost in the weeds.” This particular assignment this year I am having to deal with micro-aggression, micromanagement, and the anxiety of being watched and tallied all the time. Every day feels like a prison. I had gotten lost in the weeds once again because I was so tired of the same b.s.(I am only human and a person can only take so much). This time though, I’m not staying in the weeds. I’ve watched God bless me and allow me to grow with each assignment. God has not given up on me and so I won’t give up on God.

My journey as an entrepreneur has been a long and arduous one. Having to do other side hustles instead of what you actually want to do is so hard. You can easily become impatient, lose focus, and get off track in the hustle. I don’t know when God will materialize his vision for my life. I don’t know whether it will be a big blessing all at once or little ones that move me forward. I suppose it will be both. What I do know is I can no longer afford to be distracted by things that have nothing to do with my purpose. I’ve come so far. I am not who they say I am. I am not how they treat me. I am not how they perceive me. I am a child of God. This is not my end story.


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