Anything that you accept that is lower than your destiny, dreams, and goals is often a reflection of how you feel about yourself.
I had a dream, per usual lol, that I was hanging out with one of my favorite celebrities. We were in some sort of discount clothing store or warehouse. While we were looking through the aisles, the celebrity kept pulling out these cheap looking sweatshirts. They were dull and dark in color and had old lint balls on them. Each time the celebrity would pull one out from the rack I would just shake my head and tell them no. I wanted something better with better quality. The celebrity didn’t really object to me saying no but it felt like they were waiting for me to make a decision. Did I want to leave the discount clothing store and find better or was I going to continue to choose from the rack?
This isn’t a knock to discount stores. If you have the patience, you can find some nice gems for a really low price. The dream to me, in my present circumstances, was really about choosing what kind of life I really wanted. Do I continue living beneath my destiny or do I pursue a life of purpose and value like that of the celebrity in my dream?
I’ve spent the bulk of my life carrying the shame of not being who people wanted me to be. I was never enough or I was too much. I wasn’t this kind of person or that kind of person. It weighed heavily on my self esteem.
I took the constant rejection as a sign that there was something wrong with me. Other people can make friends and long lasting relationships but I could not. Other people found their tribe but I could not. People found a constant support system and I did not. I always wanted to be chosen but I was often forgotten and ignored. I wanted to be loved back but I was constantly choosing the wrong people.
My rejection often reflected the choices I’ve made in life. I’ve tried to live beneath my destiny because I lived so long in my rejections that I knew nothing else. I didn’t want to try because it hurt too much. I chose to stay in friendships after they became one sided and toxic because I didn’t want to be the one who did the rejecting, even if I was the one who was ultimately being rejected. I didn’t know how to speak up and say that I wasn’t being valued until it was much too late and too difficult to do so. Then when I was rejected as a result for standing up for myself, I felt bad because now I’ve hurt them even though they had no problem hurting me. I believed the nasty things they said to me in return because I didn’t value myself enough to know that it wasn’t true.
There’s been a spiritual battle on my confidence this year. I’ve had to battle Imposter Syndrome. I’ve had to battle attacks from different people at work. I’ve had to battle negative things that were being spoken over me. I’ve been fighting to be the person God wants me to be versus accepting what people think I should be. I have been in serious spiritual warfare.
This very odd, but detailed dream has awakened me in a major way. Do I continue to choose discount people and environments or do I finally walk into my purpose where there is bigger and better for me? Do I take the lead or do I continue to follow? Do I show up for me or do I continue to hide?
For the first time, in my 41 years on this earth, I am choosing purpose and I am choosing me.